


What is this?

by mallorysendings



Category: Firefly RPF, Serenity (2005)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-17
Updated: 2016-03-15
Packaged: 2018-02-17 17:23:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2317379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mallorysendings/pseuds/mallorysendings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>River just had a mental moment and Mal talks her down. Both start thinking on what each other means to them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Consciousness that is a laugh. I am awake, but I am dreaming. Consciousness was for the virgin mind not violated. Her delicate advanced brain had been plundered then played with like toys in the sand box. The smooth sandy surface now warped and muddied brown. The doctors had been Reaver’s pulling her apart from the inside. Bearing little tiny needle in place of blunt blade and muscle, so precise in their destruction equal to the worst nightmare of all. She cried out, “Let it end!”

“Gorram girl, goin batty again.” Jayne barked backing up feet as each word exited his mouth. “Mal didn’t I tell you she aint…well she aint right.” He said for lack of anything else coming to mind.

Mal descended the steps two at a time making his way to his young pilot.

“River.” Simon said trying to get her to relax and tentatively approached her. 

Mal pushed a little ahead of Simon. He was not afraid of River. Not one bit. “Hey there, Darlin.” He said softly. “Can you look up into my eyes?” he asked. 

River shook but remained silent for a moment shaking. “They lied to me.” She muttered as she shook further. “They lied to me.” Her voice echoed as she repeated herself. 

Mal moved and scooted closer. 

Simon moved to touch his shoulder. “I wouldn’t.”

Mal just flinched him off and proceeded in getting closer to River. “ Darlin,” he whispered. “Your Captain….Serenity needs you to look at me.” He soothed. He brought his finger slowly to her veiled chin. Her hair nearly covered her entire face. Slowly she brought her chin up and her eyes met his. Warm and brown. She was hopeful and trusting, but questioning in her gaze. He thought and mentally forced out that he would not hurt her, and that he wished she would extend him the same courtesy. 

River locked on to Mal’s eyes and she softened. There he was. Her clarity, Mal was Serenity to her. She needed him as her touchstone to reality. She felt the need for him by her side so strongly but she felt shame because of it. It would look wrong and inappropriate to depend and need him so. Not when she had her brother….

She had been learning about propriety from Inara, Kaylee gave her all the examples she could cheat on. But she knew that her need for her captain seemed a little wrong. They all thought it was Simon who brought her the level of sanity she had, but it had actually been the captain all along. He helped her to unravel and crack. It had brought her months of near complete consciousness, but why now? She had an episode. It could have been worse. She realized everyone and not just the captain were looking at her with fear and horror. She felt their terror, Jayne’s most of all. Mal however was a rock. He had his concern but not fear. His thoughts traveled in a much more endearing path. 

Mal looked at her eyes so trusting he wondered what that trust meant. He looked at her and marveled at how easy it had been to pull her out. Maybe her recovery was well on its way. Simon however did not share that sentiment. 

“There you are.” He said sweetly. “You gave us a bit worry there.” 

River dropped her eyes. “I am sorry captain.” She said softly. 

He touched her chin guiding her again to look at him. To the others on the ship it seemed most like an intimate gesture. . “Think nothing of it. You didn’t hurt nothin. Dong-ma? ” he asked. 

River nodded and looked to her brother. “Simon… I am so sorry.” She started. 

Simon shook his head. “Come to bed I will get you a smoother.” He said. 

River nodded and followed Simon away from the proximity of her captain. Mal watched her leave with a heavy knot at the back of his throat. Left to contemplate his own thoughts and emotions. He needed to be alone so he took over the bridge that night. River had left her firm stamp on it the last few months. But Wash was still there. His dinosaurs well-loved and still played with. He thought of River up here her hands guiding Serenity. Made him think of the time she was Serenity. He recalled how she had been about to leave. He did not know why his heart shouted no.

Life would be easier with her off his ship… But he shook his head. He could not do without River and Serenity. Somehow he had figured that out… But forgot it only once. Nearly got River caught and him killed. Not to mention the bar full of slaughtered patrons. 

No, she was firm crew now. No one could change that. She ran the gorram boat now. Earned her right same as anyone else. Going up to the galley he found Jayne polishing his gun. As if on cue Jayne started in.

“Girl goes batty again,” he looked around concerned making sure she wasn’t around. “We know she can kill us all in less than a minute flat.” He groaned. “Don’t you think she is a mite bit to worry on, more so than before.” When Mal remained silent Jayne took it as him making head way. “Know she once said she could kill me with her just her mind?” He laughed. “Reckon she could?”

Mal slammed his cup down that he had just spilled. The contents burning into his skin. “Gorramit Jayne, I reckon if she could she would have done it already cause if I could kill you with my mind I would have done it long ago just for the hell of it.” He said meaning every damn word. "Its just more trouble for me than i think your worth." 

Jayne huffed and sneered as he saw River enter the kitchen. 

Mal had not noticed her lurking in the door frame. He finally shook his hand out in pain and went to the sink to run cool water.  
“Captain.” She said from the corner. 

“Hey there Darlin.” He said looking at her. “Up late, thought the doc gave you a smoother.” 

River nodded. “Just a light dose… Your thoughts woke me.” She said moving slowly to the table. 

Mal frowned. “Which ones?” he asked innocently. 

River blushed. “Thought you would not wish to know.” 

Mal shook his head. “I don’t… not really, just wondering what would bring you out of your bed after your turn back there.” He motioned cocking his neck. 

River shied away from him. “Just your thoughts.” She looked away uncomfortable. “Made me feel…warm.” She said finally. 

Mal smiled slightly. “Warm is good?” he asked. “I conjure I was thinking about you being part of the crew.” 

River nodded. “Yes.” She said simply. 

Mal smiled. “Well darlin that is mighty fine.” He touched the tip of her nose endearingly. Not knowing how much his contact melted her bones. She shifted uncomfortably in her chair. “You have anymore coffee?” she asked. 

Mal nodded. “But should you have any?” he patted her back. “Should be sleeping Mei mei.” She said softly. 

River unseen by Mal winced and his use of the sisterly endearment. Her mind wished for different endearments form this man. It confused her to want so much. 

She shrugged. “I could go to bed.” She stood, “I just thought to keep you company since you seemed to have no interest in sleeping.” She aid but turned from him her hair veiled. 

Mal caught her arm just as she turned from him. He turned her round close to him. He felt the air in between them crackle with electricity. Might odd he thought. He stood dumbfounded thinking he had done the same actions before, with women he was intimate with. Her face just inches from his chest. He pulled her chin up to face him and they looked into each others eyes and he knew then he was seeing her different. All manner of different. In fact the image he saw made him let her chin go and he stepped back gently but surprised. “Maybe you should get off to bed, an old man aint much for company.” He motioned to the door. “Bit of craziness is all.” He said leaving the kitchen. 

River looked after him. She had seen the image in his mind, but she could not compute it. She just saw herself. He had little emotions behind it as far as she had the ability to glean. But she was also so caught up in thinking herself she had not been listening too deeply in on him. 

Her boots clanging on the grates she went back to her dorm confused but happy to have her mind for the moment. She pondered about why she had an episode. Her first chance she would find out what she said. She needed to know. She could not fully remember herself when she had been out of it. It frightened her to have little memory. But she had remembered her captain. His voice had pulled her out of the fog. She slipped into her bed and pulled the thin fabric close to her. She shuddered against the cold. She was always so cold here alone in her bunk. Frustrated after a bit she kicked off the covers and silently made her way to the bridge. Mal was not there but his large brown coat was. She pulled it off the rack and pulled it about her. His smell wrapped its way around her and she felt warm again. She settled down into the seat and looked out into the black till she drifted off. 

Mal woke, coffee had kept him up till all hours till he finally fell asleep. But his dreams had been a mite bit disturbin for a man of his… Years. It started with his usual dreams where he an Inara are the key players, but at some point it was River,…and he was happy and not depressed about the war and everything else any longer. He looked into the mirror. How could he think of River like that? She was….his mei mei.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is another chapter. I am really involved over in another fandom currently and my Mal-River stuff is about 3 years old. But i am sorting through what i have and editing and hope to upload more in the future over time. I have months worth of reading in this computer. The more positive feedback on this and comments the more likely i will remember to do this. Lol. The walking dead takes all my attention now days.

Synthetic protein sizzled in the pan and her stomach felt like heaving. Looked like a grey injection mold. Fake, like her… Chemicals reprogrammed and combined in new arrangements. The scrambled mess she mixed was like the Frankenstein of the food world like she was of the human. 

Suddenly she realized her and the proteins kinship and she smiled at it like it were an old friend. 

“Oh don’t you just love Babies…” Kaylee said wistfully coming into the galley and smiled. Her thoughts were always very chipper and she could feel it emanating from the sunny mechanic. 

River shook her head with a smile. “Smelly… irrational and over dramatic.” She said forgetting her thoughts on the protein she cooked. 

Kaylee looked at her aghast. “That’s just cause they are babies!” she hit her with the damp towel. “Just wait one day Serenity will have its very own baby aboard.” She said with a twinkle in her eye. River laughed slightly and felt her world spinning. She held onto the counter but the floor beneath her feet went sideways….at least for her it did. Kaylee seemed to remain standing but she didn’t. She shook and then she was gone. At least she thought she was gone…She was floating…Drowning. Murky mess. 

 

“Captain! Simon!” Kaylee shouted out the door. 

Mal was their first. “What is it you got’s to be shouting about my gorram boat for?” he asked sarcastically. But the look on Kaylees’ face made him shift to serious. 

“Captain, its River, she’s gone all loopy again.” She said. 

Mal was to rivers side in an instant knocking over a chair. “River Darlin.” He crooned. 

“I’ll go find Simon.” Kaylee said leaving Mal to River. She was panicked. She knew all too well what she was capable of and it scared her. 

River felt like a cat on a sea cliff and Mal’s words were a dangling rope just beyond reach that she clawed for. She felt herself in peril but she just could not jump for fear of the deep waters below. 

“They lied” she whispered. Audible to Mal but only barely. 

Mal pulled her in to the cradle of his arms not fearing her lashing out. “What did they lie to you about?” he asked. 

River shook her head and covered her ears. “Don’t do it!” she shouted. “Why?” she said a moment later limply. Simon came running in and she was not looking at anyone, she just rested inside the shelter of Mal’s arms. Any effort to pull her back so he could look at her face was fought. She just wished to remain right where she was. Face pressed against his chest and neck. His nose in her hair. 

“Can you move at all?” Simon asked Mal. River had not responded. She only blinked. She was firmly wrapping herself around the captain for comfort, but she was also not responding to any of them. 

Mal shook his head in answer to Simon’s question. “Reckon not…” he sighed. “Seems happy enough right here.” He said. 

Inara and Jayne walked in the galley. The look on their faces betraying their concern. 

“Oh poor River having another issue?” Inara asked seeing Mal on the floor with the young pilot wrapped about him and Simon and Kaylee hovering. 

They all nodded. Inara ghosted over to the stove and warmed some water. She measured out some herbs and made a brew. She stewed it. “Here have her take some of this. It will make her sleep, without needles.” She offered. “I use it most nights to calm my mind.” 

Mal nodded, “But that is if you can get her to drink it.” He laughed slightly. Honestly he was not put out by River so nestled on his chest and lap. He felt gorram comfy and he didn’t want to move... Not good.

Inara made the tea and brought it to Mal so he could feed River some. Mal took the task carefully. “Come one darling, so you don’t have those needles you don’t overly like.” He said sweetly and River parted her lips in an answer. He tilted the cup back as she drank. His thumb wiped up the drip with his finger, yet another overly intimate gesture he thought to himself as he looked into her face. One more on a longer string of gestures that guided his thoughts into deeper intimate imaginings about his little co pilot. River sighed and closed her eyes. 

She was drifting off and Simon’s sholders dropped in relief. “Better than a smoother I think.” He said in way of approving Inara’s concoction. “Thank you Inara.” He said   
She smiled and bowed her head. “I made it a particularly strong dose.” 

“Well if I had a little help I could heft her off to bed.” Mal said indicating just a bit of assistance to help him get on his feet. 

Simon tried to take her off Mal’s hands but she clung to him even in her stupor. Even when he tried to lay her down on the bed she clung to him. “Don’t know what to do doc…she won’t let go of me.”

Simon shook his head. “Well you can’t just spend the night here.” He said.

Mal frowned. “Why not?” he shook his head. “Not comfy with the idea of me an your sister in the same bunk I reckon…. Get your mind outta the gutter. She’s my crew…. That’s enough.” He said and laid down on the bed with River still clinging to his shoulders and chest. He moved her gently on her side. She feared a trick and clung against him harder. Her eyes were shut he could see and Simon was hovering by the door. 

“I will be leaving her door open captain.” He said very seriously giving him a threatening look. 

Mal growled. “If you imply anything of a personal nature I would be mighty ashamed of you.” He said in answer. 

But once left alone he looked over her features. Delicate and frightened. Here eyes opened brightly and it almost startled him out of his skin. 

“They lied.” She said with piercing precision. 

Mal lifted his head to look more directly at her. “Darlin. You need to tell me what it was they lied about.” He combed her hair back with his fingers. It had felt like the most natural thing but it put tingles down his spine and but a knot in his stomach.

River looked up at him and finally he could see the veil lifted. She leaned forward to where she was only a breath away from him. She summoned the courage to move the remaining distance but Mal did it for her. She was caught in her fist kiss and she met it with equal force. Soft, and confused. She touched his cheek with her tentative fingers. She was too absorbed in feeling and touching her own world and mind to even absorb his thoughts. She wasn’t reading him but was trying to read herself. 

Mal felt the softness of her proximity. Her breath teasing his lips. It had been compulsive to kiss her. He had not even put a fully formed thought into it. But when he had time to think he knew to pull away with care and not abruptly. That could startle her. “Darlin,” he said looking into her eyes then out the open door to ensure that nobody saw their kiss. 

“I know you fancy Inara.” She sighed. Just seemed right she thought to herself. “No need to over think it captain.” She moved off from him and avoided eye contact pulling her knees to her chest. “You should go…” she said but then changed her meaning. “Find Simon for me.” She added to ensure the captain did leave. 

Mal hopped up and scratched his beard stubble then head in confusion but left all the same, unable to argue and stay he nodded and tried to look at her eyes but she would not look up at him. 

He went to find Simon and refrained from divulging his kiss with River to him. Instead he went to his bunk, it was late enough and he just wanted to sleep. He had no patience for this thinking. He threw himself down on his hard bed with an exasperated sigh. 

Tossing and turning he got up and made his way round the ship. His feet found their way to her door and he paced outside of Rivers quarters for a little while not knowing what to do. He wanted to talk to her about it, but he had no words for what happened between them. He wanted to know for sure that it had been nothing. To not just him but her as well. She was none too stable now days and he was not sure if she was just being out of her mind when they were lip locked… But then again, he was not insane…or out of his mind. And he had been the one to kiss her. He ran his hands frustrated through his hair and stormed off to the galley. He kissed HER! 

“I see you are up late too.” Inara said with a sultry smile. “Have not seen much of you alone these days.” She said sipping her tea.

“Inara you know we have been busy tuckin tail and running.” He said a little harshly.

Inara stood with poise. “You don’t look too busy right now.” 

Mal tried to think of a reason to refuse her veiled offer for company tonight… In her quarters. His thoughts went back to River and he groaned. “You are right Inara, I am not busy right now.” He said striding over to her. Taking her in his arms in a violent kiss. He needed to get the thought and memory of River out of his head. It was too gorram disturbin… And besides, girl was a mind reader. If he did not get her out of his head like that he would not be able to hide his mind and what it held from her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So so short! 
> 
> I have more coming, but i have been derailed heavily by my Beth and Daryl paring in the walking dead fandom. I just have got to get back to my Mal and River stories. I have so many to share, but unedited. :/

Hours later. Morning by way of the schedule Serenity keeps while in the black. Sticking to a single schedule helped maintain the bodily clock and with keeping them regular. The ornate time piece, bonged in the corner quietly. A present from some count or prince from a core planet he assumed. Most everything in Inara’s room was a gift from some client or another. He glowered at the silky sheets and noticed the soft white skin that contrasted with the deep purple color of the silken reflection. 

Inara was wrapped around him still sleeping but he was just lying there taking in the comforts of her shuttle room. Feeling his mood sour and curdle by the second, the emotion it all evoked was far from comforting to him. He moved carefully disentangling his limbs carefully and pulled his pants on. Not bothering to put on his shirt he wadded it up in his hands and went to the door and slipped out as silently as he could. 

His bare feet meshed harshly against the sharp grating of the walk ways around serenity but he did not notice. He was too involved reliving the kiss from the night before.  
It seemed sexin up Inara was not enough to get River completely out of his head. He did not understand it. It was not like he was attracted to River. She was just a kid… And a reader…

He just was dwelling on the impulse that he had. That is all. River would see that. She had to…. It was the truth. He pulled on his maroon wrinkled shirt and tried to haphazardly tuck it in his unbuttoned pants, but his boots almost fumbled from his hands when he did. He cursed and bent over to pull the boots onto his bare feet which moved stiffly over his flesh and he grunted in the struggle of the task. He leaned forward when finished and let out a heavy sigh as he caught his breath. 

Standing strait up his back cracking he stretched as he entered Serenities bridge and found it occupied by another. 

There he found a coffee steaming waiting for him at his chair. Still steaming. River looked up and smiled from hers across the divide between pilot and copilot seat.  
Mal wanted to turn away and run as his first instinct but her voice halted him in his cowardly retreat. 

“Good grief, it was just a kiss.” She smiled. “Have your coffee and tell me where we are headed.” She said trying to lighten the air between them.

He sighed heavily and nodded ascending the steps up to his seat. He hoped to try to ease into a calm communication with her again. He saw her eyes. Something looked like it touched her… Maybe hurt her. He was not sure what.


	4. Chapter 4

River shook in the bridge days later. She had felt the episode coming on while Kaylee and Jayne bantered back and forth and she observed. The pins and needle sensation traveled up her back from the base of her spine and she had fled to the bridge knowing what came after. Mal was not around and she just needed to be somewhere she loved. She felt these burning flashes behind her eye lids every time she blinked. She could almost see something people talking. She made it to her seat and collapsed with Mal’s jacket in her hands. Her head smashed on the grate. 

Mal had heard the fall echoing through the hallway to where he relaxed in his bunk and went to the bridge. His gun drawn. He had learned from the early situation that a gun was useful even when you thought you were alone. He opened the door cautiously and looked inside to River on the ground passed out. Her knock on the head must have made her completely unconscious. He looked down at her and took her in his arms. Once there she started fighting him.

“Its me Darlin.” He crooned like all the other times before. She looked at him then and stopped. She instead tore into heaving sobs. “They lied.” She cried. 

Mal nodded. “If you say so darlin.” He brushed her hair out of her face. He examined her cut on her head. Would need stitches… Maybe the doc could make it clean so she don’t have her face scarred. It was rather pretty… No beautiful. He thought to himself quietly he hoped. His ever frequent dreams were not purely fantasy… River was perhaps once of the most quiet beauties… Perhaps one of the reason the academy picked her. She was perfect. Right here in his arms…. 

Rivers lip trembled hearing his mind call her perfect. She could see him. She could feel him, and he thought her perfect. Being in his arms was home for her, but she did not really belong there. Not when he thought she belonged else where. Like a doll, up on the shelf, perfect but not played with. She eased out of his arms. 

“Thank you for helping.” She finally bit out. “Was not as frightening as it usually is.” She winced and touched her head. “Ouch.”

“Ugh, yea you seem to have cut your head a bit.” He said using his shirt to dab up the blood. “Here come to my bunk, we can stop the bleeding now, and Simon can throw a stitch in it after you have fully recovered.”

River followed him down and looked around at the captains private quarters. She had never invaded his personal space… just his mind so this room was new for her. She looked around and looked how simple it all was. Much like her own space. Except all her pictures. She looked over to his desk space and noticed a stack of messy papers scattered over it and spilling on the floor. 

Mal pulled out his wash basin and pulled out some sanitary pads. He got injured enough he had his own supply in his room He motioned for her to sit on his table after he shoved all his papers over. It put her at the right level for him to clean it. She did not wince from the pain. She knew it was coming. She always handled pain better when she knew it was coming.

He dabbed at the jagged cut and pursed his lips as he cleaned away at it and realized it was so small he could sew it up himself. So he pulled out the needle and went to work. River knew that he was clean and tidy with his stitches. She could see the scars upon his neck and arms and knew he stitched those himself. 

Once finished he looked down int her eyes. Such close proximity to her and their breaths mingles gave him a euphoric feeling. He found himself stroking gently the bruising forming on the side of her face and temple. 

River looked up at him softly. “I am tired.” She said sliding away from him. Mal almost mustered up a vocal protest but he let the protest only be in his mind and did not translate it over vocally. He sat on the bed after she left. Was this really happening? Did he really develop a crush on his reader? His very Young reader…he stood up and looked into the mirror. He was going to that special place in hell for sure. Just for thinkin it.


	5. Chapter 5

Mal felt embarrassed again when he ventured out the next morning to adjust the coordinates and head into orbit. Zoe helped him figure it out because no one seemed to know where River went. And it seemed they were less worried about it than he was. Did his thoughts scare her off? He didn't want that. 

They were just thoughts. He had only kissed her once, and she seemed more dismissive of it than he was. 

Cursing in Chinese he stomped down the metal stair. “River, if you are hiding from me come out now.” his mind pressed forcefully hoping that the thoughts would reach her. 

When by dinner she still did not come Simon finally raised issue with River being missing. “She has been having many episodes, and I don't know if she could hurt herself.” 

Mal had thought about her head injury and wondered if she had been more hurt than just a bump on the head. Maybe she had a concussion and fell into a coma after she hid from him? But the idea that she could hurt herself was stupid. Simon should remember that she cannot harm herself. She is programmed for defense, even from herself. 

“I want this ship searched.” he said suddenly as the group tried to eat. “Now.” 

He stood up and Jayne moaned. “Cant we finish eating first?” 

Mal turned around looking about ready to lay him out on the floor. “You eat when she is found.” he indicated the airlock. “Or you go outside.” 

Jayne’s upper lip moved to form a snarl. “Fine.” He stood up in a hurry and moved to start the search of the ship. 

About an hour later Mal went frustrated to the bridge and there he found River correcting the coordinates him and Zoe had spent the morning trying to set. 

“River, we been looking for you. You cant just go hide from me.” he said frustrated as he shut the door on the bridge. “I'm your Captain.” 

She nodded. “Fell into a deep sleep, just woke up about fifteen minuets ago.”

He turned the chair around so she looked at him. “So ya ain’t avoiding me?” 

She shrugged. “I think we should keep our distance.” her eyes betrayed her pain and confusion. She thought it was the best thing for him, and she wanted the best for her captain. Hiding and not existing was the best thing for him in his mind. She could read it and see it in the pattern of his thoughts. 

He shook his head. “River, you been reading me right?” 

She shrugged. “Try not to.” she was putting the blocks up in her brain to filter and muddy his thoughts to allow him some privacy, and for her some protection from the nature of his thoughts. 

He nodded nervously his eyes searching hers. “But you know my mind is thinking strange things?” he asked. 

She nodded. “Bout you an River.” 

He nodded. “Bout you an me. Thoughts I shouldn’t be thinkin’ 

She sighed pained by the subject. 

“It’s just some space madness.” he shook his head. He didn't want to drive her away just because he could not control the direction and nature of his thoughts. 

She shook her head. “It isn’t. Its something else.” she whispered. “Its a dance we are doing together.” Stepping around him gracefully as she looked down the hall as if she heard someone listening. “I know you think it, but you don't want it.” she glanced back. “I’m bowing out of the dance.” she left him confused. This was not exactly the conversation he meant to have. 

Sitting down in the Captains seat he pondered on their interaction. How could she bow out, she wasn't doing anything. It was all him.


End file.
